Now that I've gotten my feet a little wet in the Blogosphere, I'll take a few more steps. Besides, I can't sleep, and my brain is churning.
I was born into a strict, devout 7th Day Adventist family. Every Saturday belonged to the church. I went to the same SDA school from Kindergarden through 12th grade. I attended an SDA college until I dropped out to get married to a devout SDA man. We had 2 daughters, now grown, who were raised in the church like we were. There really wasn't much room in our lives for other ideas to seep in.
Or was there?
I always liked listening to talk shows on the radio. I always liked reading. I did well in English classes because I liked to read so much. I'll read anything. One of many reasons I love the Internet. Television, either entertainment, news, or sports, is nowhere near as compelling as talk radio or the Internet, with the possible exception of documentaries. I know about IFC, but I truly wish there was an all-documentary channel out there. I'd watch faithfully. The closest I've seen is The History Channel, and the Discovery/New York Times Channel. A lot of great programming on those two sources over the years.
Long story short, all these different various sources started putting ideas into my head, then one day it happened: The Epiphany. I suddenly realized that I had been living my entire life for other people, and not for myself. I had been born into a strict SDA family. What chance did I have to make the choice myself? Virtually none. From the time I could talk, I was told, conditioned really, that I would be a devout Seventh Day Adventist, and that was the way it was going to be, no ifs, ands, or buts. And, my marriage and the upbringing of my children was going to be the same way.
So, what happened to change all that? Mainly talk radio and the Internet. In other words, the Outside World.
Through those sources, I learned that the Bible is NOT the literal Word of God, but rather a series of short stories written around the 1100s by mortal men, and sold as a then-version of the Book of the Month Club. With all due respect to those with strict religious beliefs, NO ONE has seen, heard, or talked to God, if God really exists. Even Jerry Falwell, as obnoxious as he was, once said that anyone who claims to have talked to God had too much pizza before going to sleep.
To move things along, I realized that I was living both a lie, and a life being lived for other people, the way THEY wanted it to be lived. I was a faithful, obedient daughter to my parents, and I was a faithful, obedient wife to my husband. I was also turning my daughters into faithful, obedient humanoids.
I couldn't do that anymore.
There are long stories involved here, but I won't go into them, not with the long versions, at least. I ended the marriage. I reverted to my maiden name. I had long, heated discussions with both my faithful daughters. We're all on good terms, but we just see things differently. One of my parents is still living, and was disappointed with my changes, but my father still loves me, and we speak often, even though he doesn't approve of everything I do. My ex & I are also on good terms. He wants me back, and would take me back in a minute, but the trouble is, he wants the old version of me back, not the new & improved version. I can't do that. Version 1.0 of Clara is gone.
Clara, Version 2.0: I'm doing a lot of things differently. I'm listening to a lot of Rock n' Roll, which was a big no-no in the house growing up. I'm discovering a lot of classic music that I never heard before, especially by the Beatles, Rolling Stones, and many talented artists that I couldn't listen to before.
I've gone dancing, which is a huge SDA no-no.
I've been enjoying hamburgers, steak, and meatballs. SDA's are vegetarians.
Yes, I have dated. Like anyone else, some social company I enjoy, some I don't.
And yes, I have enjoyed the company of a lover or two. Most religions mean well, but why do some have to make "the deed" seem so evil, when, under the right atmospheric conditions, it can be so beautiful?
Am I now anti-religion? By all means, no. If that is how one feels, that a certain faith, sect, or denomination is right for them, then God bless them, and more power to them.
Am I now an athiest? No. I believe people should have the option of exploring all ideas and views before making a final decision about how they feel individually. If you're born into a devoutly religious family, like I & my daughters were, what chance is there for that? You could label me, if you have to label me, an agnostic, I question a lot of things that were drummed into me before, but on the other hand, a lot of things have happened, both in my personal life, and in the "outside world", that can't quite be explained adequately. For some reason, improbable things, even on the negative side, have happened and were supposed to happen, for whatever reason.
Regardless how anybody feels about anything, I feel like a free woman. I'm doing what I want, and not what someone else says I'm supposed to be doing.
I do hope someday to re-marry. I want it to be to someone who listens to what I think, not telling me what to think.
And, he better be good in bed.
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